sometimes i feel so alive it just about breaks my heart

Slowly, day by day, I am training myself to mediate my anxiety with food.

This method is the reverse of conventional wisdom: we are taught not to eat when we’re upset. I’ve always been the type to lose my appetite when I’m stressed and, when I’m really stressed, to stop eating altogether. Being gluten- and lactose-intolerant (without realizing it) didn’t help matters: getting sick and losing energy after most meals meant not wanting to eat during the day. I thought eating itself was what made me feel awful, but I learned during my elimination diet that I can eat lots of things and feel fantastic…….just not wheat and dairy.

Several years ago, an ex-girlfriend would feed me when I started getting grumpy, and it helped, but I never realized how much my moods are connected to (not) eating until the last few months. Science doesn’t lie and the girl and boy have done extensive experiments with me to see what works and what doesn’t work with my body. The conclusion? I can keep a pretty even keel if I eat 5-7 times per day (approx. every two hours, beginning within an hour of waking). Missed meals lead to disaster: I get a headache, feel weak and exhausted, anxiety sets in, and pretty soon I am cranky and overwhelmed.

Even if I’d known how much of my anxiety was connected to hunger, I couldn’t have made these changes alone. Figuring out what to eat, acquiring and preparing food, avoiding foods that aren’t safe for me, and doing it all on schedule and on a budget is an immensely daunting task. Fortunately, I have tons of help every day.

My eating times are in the calendar, which pops up with an alarm on my phone to remind me. The girl does the meal planning and cooking every week, which is a huge gift for all of us. I get positive feedback when I follow my schedule.

In the beginning, it was hard. I would skip breakfast and snacks, especially on days off when my caloric requirements are less urgent. Then I’d get overwhelmed and have trouble putting food in my mouth because my pattern is that stress means not eating. It’s getting easier, though. I eat breakfast most days and am getting better at obeying my alarms. I try not to think about how much I’m eating or the fact that most of my life revolves around putting food in my mouth.

This morning was special because I never have Sundays off and the boy and I were going to sleep in. Unfortunately, I woke up at 4 a.m. and couldn’t get back to sleep because of anxiety. Around 6 a.m., I remembered that I’m supposed to eat when I feel stressed, so I went to the kitchen, ate a bowl of cereal, and fell asleep as soon as I crawled back into the boy’s arms.

I think it will keep getting easier. I just have to stick with it and learn to trust that it really does work. Practice, practice.

I just ate some date bars that I made myself!

8 oz each of dates, papaya, pineapple, and walnuts chopped separately in a food processor & then hand-mixed into a ball, flattened, and cut.

They are super sweet. Next time I might use different fruits and more nuts, but yum!

Since I have to eat every two hours every day, finding easy things to snack on is always a concern.

These were about $1/bar.

Image Description: A plate of individually wrapped date bars on the counter

Lots of changes over the last few months.

My new home is lovely. I am so happy here and I’m finding that I really enjoy living with people. I have a satisfying routine with plenty of structure, lots of loving and cuddles, good friends and a full social calendar.

Still working 45 hours/week on the farm, but I’ll be cutting down to 20 hours when school starts in September. I’m taking three core courses for my program on leadership and public policy. I’m so stoked about school.

My garden is gorgeous. I busted apart some container pallets to build a 3×6′ raised bed, installed a drip irrigation system on a timer, and planted my seeds and seedlings. The dwarf kale and chard are growing up so well and the lettuce exploded. Purple carrots and cabbage will take longer, but it’s so gratifying to watch.

Slowly making my way through Terry Pratchett’s, “The Wee Free Men,” with the girl and boy. I love the characters and the way Pratchett is so sharp about and accepting of human foibles. Reading aloud is a nice way to spend time together. I think Neil Gaiman’s, “The Graveyard Book,” should be next on our list.

I’m having a little more energy lately, so I’m hoping to post more often. I have my rss feeds on my iPhone and have been happily reading away every day, which is an enjoyable part of my life to have back since I’ve been spending so much less time on the computer.

Definitely enjoying my organized and efficient life. Yum.

So much has happened in the last few months. It’s thrilling and, now that things are finally settling, I’m exhausted.

The three biggest things are:
* I moved off the farm and in with the couple I have been dating since last July
* I applied to UMass Amherst’s University Without Walls continuing education program
* I get to start a vegetable garden!

I woke up to the yummiest cuddles ever, and I get to do so every day.

I had delicious food last night and do every night.

My life is nourishing and peaceful.

Recipe by Martha Rose Shulman at the New York Times.

These zucchini fritters are based on a recipe I learned from the cookbook author Diane Kochilas. A classic mezze served in Greek taverna, they’re like a Greek version of latkes.

2 pounds large zucchini, trimmed and grated on the wide holes of a grater or food processor
Salt
2 eggs
1/2 cup chopped mixed fresh herbs, such as fennel, dill, mint, parsley (I like to use mostly dill)
1 tablespoon ground cumin
1 cup fresh or dry breadcrumbs, more as necessary
Freshly ground pepper
1 cup crumbled feta
All-purpose flour as needed and for dredging
Olive oil for frying

1. Salt the zucchini generously and leave to drain in a colander for one hour, tossing and squeezing the zucchini from time to time. Take up handfuls of zucchini, and squeeze out all of the moisture. Alternately, wrap in a clean dish towel, and squeeze out the water by twisting at both ends.

2. In a large bowl, beat the eggs and add the shredded zucchini, herbs, cumin, bread crumbs, salt and pepper to taste and feta. Mix together well. Take up a small handful of the mixture; if it presses neatly into a patty, it is the right consistency. If it seems wet, add more breadcrumbs or a few tablespoons of all-purpose flour. When the mixture has the right consistency, cover the bowl with plastic wrap and refrigerate for one hour or longer.

3. Heat 1 inch of olive oil in a large frying pan until rippling, or at about 275 degrees. Meanwhile, take up heaped tablespoons of the zucchini mixture, and form balls or patties. Lightly dredge in flour.

4. When the oil is very hot, add the patties in batches to the pan. Fry until golden brown, turning once with a spider or slotted spoon. Remove from the oil, and drain briefly on a rack. Serve with plain Greek style yogurt if desired.

Yield: Serves six to eight.

Advance preparation: The mixture can be assembled up to a day before you make and fry the fritters.

* Noel gave me a spring roll to taste-test. Yum! I want to make some!!

* I figured out how to go back to school without leaving Maui!

* Andrea made me a sandwich, so I got food in my belly the moment I was done with work. It was a delicious grilled cheese sandwich made toasty with olive oil and had some tomato and spinach (?) in it. Yummmm.

* My heart felt a little less heavy after scrubbing the floor for an hour.

Life is really kicking my butt right now, so I’ve decided to start keeping a journal of things I’m grateful for and little joyful moments and things that really uplift my heart. I used to write these on post-it notes and put them in a special box I kept near my bed. The habits that help us through the hard times fade too easily when things are fun. I’m too exhausted to hand-write my journal for tonight, so here it is:

* Last week, I found the sweetest praying mantis. I had just found an egg case a few days before, and have been seeing little babies here and there for weeks. This one was dark green, extremely energetic, and clearly pregnant. She scrambled up my arm to the nape of my neck and into my hair….so fiesty! Her little barbs tickled, but she didn’t scare me. It made me really happy to see her. I took some photos and then let her go in the rosemary patch. She wasn’t very social–probably needed to make her egg case right away–but she brought sweet energy into my life.

* I am really grateful for my sweet friends who snuggle me and pet me and are so nice to me.

An optimist isn’t necessarily a blithe, slightly sappy whistler in the dark of our time. To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness. What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places–and there are so many–where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction. And if we do act, in however small a way, we don’t have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory.

This is the last paragraph of an article Howard Zinn published in The Nation magazine on September 2, 2004. I highly recommend reading the whole article if you haven’t: he offers tangible examples of radical changes that have happened over the last century. I’m grateful for his perspective.