Slow, steady, and full of heart

Published on January 23, 2012 in work/life. 0 Comments Tags: , .

On Friday, my sweetie came over to help me get through the last bit of packing and then moved the first round of boxes over to a friend’s car port, where they’ll stay until the shipping container comes mid-week. I was down to the dregs, which is the hardest part, but he motivated me by threatening to pack my stuff for me (I am a highly organized control freak, so this is a horrifying enough thought to kick me into gear). We were both wiped out, so after returning the truck we went on a really lovely date at Colleen’s, which is a restaurant in Haiku. I got the steak, asparagus, and mashed potatoes because a. burgers-with-no-bun and salads get tiresome and b. I am addicted to the chimichurri sauce, which I guess is a common complement to grilled meats, but I’ve only encountered it here. He got the special, which was opah with some kind of amazing sauce with liliquoi in it. Conversation petered out while we waited for our meals, but it was so nice just sitting together, and dinner was delicious. We slept very cozily, our bodies intertwined all night, and then had a lazy morning full of sweetness and silliness.

Saturday and Sunday, I finished packing my house. That’s right, I am packed. Oh, there are still a few odds and ends that need to be discarded or donated, corners to be cleaned, cubbies to be scrubbed, but everything that I am taking to Washington state is in boxes stacked to go out for loading into the container or carefully packed and piled to take on the plane.

I am proud of myself for a couple of reasons:

  1. I have been really good about eating regularly and not getting accidentally glutened so that I am physically, mentally, and emotionally ready to meet the challenges ahead.
  2. I am only bringing one suitcase (and maybe a small duffel bag, depending on how things fit) on the plane. Just a week ago, I bemoaned that I could not live for three weeks without ten varieties of tea, so really narrowing it down to just one small suitcase feels great. Yes, I will also have my cat, a laptop bag, a bag full of food to eat on the plane, and outerwear for my abrupt arrival in Winter…. oh, and possibly also one of my crutches…. but only one suitcase!!!
  3. I really haven’t freaked out too much over this whole move situation. Though I’m definitely stressed, I keep reminding myself to live from my joyful heart instead of trying to make things work out using my anxious mind.

Even on the most challenging days, it wasn’t so bad and my slow and steady approach to this process means that I am almost ready to go with over a week still on the island. It feels good not to leave everything till the last minute.

School starts today. I am so grateful that I won’t need to work with a case study organization this semester. Trying to negotiate agreements and contracts with organizations in an unfamiliar town before I’d even moved felt daunting, though I was well into the process before my advisor suggested I satisfy my history requirement instead. Then I will be one step closer to graduation, which is fast approaching. Distance learning has been such an adventure! I’m glad that I chose Umass Amherst–I have been really satisfied with my professors’ politics and commitment to teaching.

Moving 2,500 miles and an ocean with a cat in tow

Published on January 19, 2012 in work/life. 0 Comments Tags: .

Holy Mother Of God.

I am attempting to pack all of my belongings into boxes, which will get loaded into a container, shipped across the ocean, driven across two states, and shoved into a closet or wherever I can find space to stick them until I find work and my own place. (Please let that be very, very soon.)

My picnic basket full of yarn boxed up, my other basket with two sets of mixing bowls carefully balanced inside on a small pillow, my $300 rice cooker, my scale for baking whimsy… tons and tons of beautiful things that I love having in my life, but oh god the thought of shipping all of it horrifies the living daylights out of me.

My soul is weeping. I am being persistent as fuck and staying in motion. Well, if motion can be defined as “Lying in bed watching BBC mystery dramas and not being completely certain I will survive this.”

I will get through this. For the love of god, I’ve been up against worse. But my usual MO when I do something like this is to get rid of everything I own or, more recently, shove it all in Hil’s closet. Now? Now I am an adult. Now I have belongings. WAY TOO MANY BELONGINGS. (Approximately 5 cubic feet of belongings!! Woe is me.)

And a cat.

One step at a time. One box a day. One breath per moment.

Two weeks from tomorrow, we soar.

Hermit crab sticks its head out

Published on January 15, 2012 in work/life. 0 Comments

There has been much socializing of late.

Saturday, I turned 29. I have difficulty celebrating myself or being celebrated, but I also feel disappointed when no one notices or cares, so this year was the perfect balance. My sweetie took me on a picnic, gave me a thoroughly delicious gluten-free chocolate tart (yummmm), lazed around on the grass with me, and there was no singing or center-of-attention awkwardness to make me panic. I just felt noticed and cared about in a simple way, and it was pleasant.

Sunday, I went to dinner with friends from the island. An old sweetie showed up unexpectedly with her partner and we all talked until it was late.

Tuesday evening, a friend who is in seminary school on the mainland took me out to dinner at Saigon Cafe for my birthday. I got the clay pot, of course, and the rice was perfectly, perfectly cripsy on the bottom of the pot. She geeked out on old theologians and we talked about our lives this year since I saw her last. She borrowed my violin so she’d have something to fiddle around with while she’s here.

Thursday, I had lunch at Market Fresh Bistro with an old friend. I got the vegetable salad with blackened chicken and fresh squeezed limeade and it is probably the best thing I have eaten at a restaurant in years. We sat for hours under a tree as clouds drifted past the sun, talking about life and love and dreams and desire.

Saturday, she and her partner came over to help me move some boxes into storage so my house will be beautiful until I move. Once everything was in order, we went up to Mark and Leah’s farm, where I saw their incredibly cute puppies and baby goats and squealed and cuddled them and wouldn’t shut up about how cute every animal was forty billion times over. I was a bit scattered and wish I could have just sat and talked with Leah, but I loved getting to see her and getting to meet (and play with) her newest animals. I will miss them most of almost anything on Maui.

Tomorrow is my going away party. I have a private room reserved, which isn’t so cozy, but they said that the seats at the window probably won’t have enough room for all of us.

It has been wonderful to see so many people that I love, but I so crave just lying in bed reading one of my 27 books while my sweetie strokes my hair and reads over my shoulder. Instead, I am here with Bertram the itchy bear, Sassafras nowhere to be found even though bedtime started two hours ago, and surrounded by everything that still needs to go into boxes.

I am really proud of myself for persistently checking things off my list, despite periodic overwhelm. Moving is hell, and moving across the ocean is horrifying, but I am doing it and hopefully doing it with at least a bit of grace.

A few resolutions

Published on January 1, 2012 in hopes & dreams. 0 Comments

I don’t usually make resolutions , but this year I am.

1. Live joyfully from my heart. Be confident and trust that everything that comes to me is for my highest good. When I allow my life force to flow, I am completely fulfilled.

2. Be social and spend a good amount of your free time out in the world doing fun and interesting stuff, like having picnics, biking around, making things, reading interesting and educational books, and enjoying life.

3. Notice. I am allowed to notice the world around me and the people in it.

4. Be brave.

5. Love.

Intuitions of my body

Published on December 20, 2011 in hopes & dreams. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , , , .

I have been having powerful cravings lately. Every time I pass ginger at the superette (and aren’t they just rich, full, tender, beautifully young rhizomes right now) my whole body lights up and I think Oh, how I want ginger tea right this minute! Of course, I’ve put it off and put it off, but I picked up a big piece of ginger the other day and this afternoon, when I got off work, I stopped by Dragon’s Den to pick up some fresh turmeric (which, for those of you who aren’t familiar with it, looks similar to ginger but is a rich orange rather than tan and is completely delicious).

I sliced about two inches of each, put them in the bottom of a pre-warmed teapot, poured boiling water over the lot, and let it steep, covered, for 30 minutes. Now, I am sitting on my couch in the rain, sipping hot and spicy deliciousness, and my whole body is going yes, Yes, YES! Turmeric is rumored to be good for pain, and my body is really stoked on this tea, so I’m going to try to drink a good amount for a while and see what happens.

So many things to be grateful for right now. So many things to be excited about.

I am having really strong visions of the next period of my life. The details are a bit fragile and shy, but they involve loving community and chickens and medicinal herbs growing in my backyard and having an excuse to put my hands on people and being happy and in love and alive.

I’m also having this whole “put medicine back in the hands of the people” thing going on right now. Working on the goat farm, where it’s a given that we know our goats better than our vet does, and we’re better equipped to diagnose and treat 99% of their illnesses than he is, I feel all medically empowered and passionate. Why can’t we have that for humans? I’ve also been thinking about “Where There Is No Doctor”–a book about health care geared toward people in rural areas who don’t have access to doctors. The thing is? With the state of our health care system, though where I live in America we are surrounded by doctors, so many people can’t actually access health care because of the prohibitive cost and bureaucratic bullshit built into our medical system. We need that book almost as much as people who live in places where there are literally no doctors. These ideas aren’t anything new, but they have some sweet vitality in me right now, which I value.

My body has been feeling really toxic lately. I’m in such a tremendous amount of pain all the time that my energy gets sapped, I feel like crying, and I eventually shut down in overwhelm. I take a good amount of pain medications–which don’t relieve my pain, but make it possible for me to get through a day (albeit sometimes it’s a grouchy, cantankerous day). This is how I’ve gotten through the last ten years, but my liver and kidneys have been aching pretty consistently for the last few weeks, so I’d like to give my body a break. I’ve been drinking dandelion tea, which feels like it’s helping my body process all the nsaids, but I still feel yucked out.

I was passionately craving the dandelion for a while before I really thought about its medicinal value, and same with this ginger and turmeric. So maybe something good will come of this hunger.

I’m feeling similarly about my meat consumption. I eat an unsustainable amount of meat, regardless of how it was raised. (Ideally, I would like to consume primarily meat that I harvested myself–or that was processed by someone I know personally–but I’m not there yet.) Moreover, it’s making me feel more dense and slowed-down than I would like. I’m thinking about eating much less meat or even going vegetarian for a while. I am definitely not eating enough fresh fruits and vegetables, there’s not enough variety in my diet, and the energy of my food isn’t supporting my body and soul the way I know it sometimes can. When I have tried to be vegetarian/vegan in the past, I felt really faint all the time, but I’m starting to think that if I ate often enough, I might find a way to feel okay.

There are so, so many things I want to do–from all sorts of cooking, gardening, and animal husbandry ideas to art I want to make to places I want to invest my energy and so on–and again and again I come up against the fact that I simply do not have the energy or emotional resources because of intense chronic pain.

I’m making it my mission to find simple, affordable ways to support and nourish my body in this next phase of my life. There is so much I’m passionate about and I need every ounce of energy I can get.

Some things that do nourish me physically:
* eating regularly and healthfully, especially breakfast
* getting enough sleep
* stretching
* being touched
* using a mobility aid
* blissfully delicious sex
* minimizing stress
* regular baths
* being joyful and grateful and in love with the world
* feeding my soul with touch, essential oils, flower essences, and ritual

I’m doing really well with some of that list, and not so well with a few items.

Caring for my body is something I really want to prioritize going forward. This sweet body is the only one I have and it has been here for me through some really tough times, yet I mostly ignore it. I would like to love myself by actively caring for and nourishing my body.

Potent-

Published on November 30, 2011 in hopes & dreams. 0 Comments

Potent. Potential. Potentiate. These words are resonating with me tonight. There’s a power in me that’s deepening.

I’m incredibly excited about the next phase of my life. What’s most thrilling is the wide-open potential: I could be or do anything. That sense of possibility wakes up my soul. As Nina Bogin said in Initiation II, “I thought that my legs could take me anywhere, into any country, any life.” Like her, I’m taken with the miracle of this world.

I think about all the ways that I might be new and different: maybe I will be more outgoing and social, maybe I will have a garden, maybe I will get body work and rest and enjoy life more. Maybe I will be marvelous and full of light. I think of all the places I could meet people, network, volunteer, invest my heart. And then I remember that we take ourselves with us. I will still be the same person who goes to bed with a sink full of dishes, who is in too much pain to walk to the mailbox, who refreshes Facebook instead of working on that art project, who flakes on friends because I’m out of energy. The thing is, though? I’ve changed. I am more social and outgoing, I did have a garden, my home is beautiful and home-y most of the time, I have allowed myself to finish projects instead of perfectionistically refining them forever. And I can build a life that feeds my heart instead of sapping it.

Maui has been so much about taking risks. Not the huge risks of leaving abusive relationships and choosing to live and moving across the country and manifesting my life out of the free box of the street, but the more subtle and important risks of loving deeply and opening myself to others and inviting friends into my home and listening to my intuition and trusting my body to know what is right.

I keep coming back to the body, to the heat of aliveness, to sparks and love. There’s magic in my body’s responsiveness to beauty. There’s something meaningful and important in what my hands can do to people’s hearts, melting all the separate parts together. “We learn to love in instants and surrenders,” says Lucha Corpi. That’s my life’s work. I want to love and be loved. I want to touch people’s hearts. I want my existence to be a gift.

These last three years, I have proven to myself that I am still strong enough to weather abuse and misery, but why force myself to do that? Why not create a life for myself where I am actually wanted and appreciated? Why not put myself in situations where it is easy to be awed by each moment?

The primary way in which I have changed is this: I have grown up. I have adult hands and a sense of style and I’ve become refined in a way that has softened some of the edges, but also intensified me. I feel full-bodied and rich.

I have clear preferences now. I know what I want in a partner, a home, or a job and I know what I am unwilling to tolerate. I know that I have tremendous value and that I will no longer settle for circumstances where I am unappreciated or abused.

I’m braver and stronger than I was when I came here five years ago. Don’t get me wrong: I have always been a warrior, but there’s a quiet courage in me that I never knew before. I am more potent. And I know my magic.

Life is full of love

Published on November 11, 2011 in work/life. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

I finally got the tattoo I have been wanting since I was 19. It’s the last lines of David Whyte’s poem, “The Truelove,” which was a vital piece of writing as I was emerging from the horrors of my childhood into the light and steadfastness of self-love and adulthood. The poem begins, “There’s a faith in loving fiercely the one who is rightfully yours,” and concludes, “&if you wanted to drown you could, but you don’t, because finally after all the struggle and all the years, you don’t want to anymore, you’ve simply had enough of drowning and you want to live and you want to love and you will walk across any territory and any darkness, however fluid and however dangerous, to take the one hand you know belongs in yours.” I used to recite those words to myself like a lifeline, like a promise. And now I have them written on my body. Ilana helped me give myself permission to go for it. Part of what defines us is that we walk the line between beauty and ugliness and are passionately, painfully in love with all of it–especially the ugliness. She also sent me a verse from scripture that says, “You shall put these words of mine on your heart and on your soul; and you shall bind them for a sign upon your arm” (Deuteronomy 11:18). Somehow, that tipped the balance for me & validated my sense that this is holy. I made the appointment a month later.

Life has been really lovely lately. I have been having incredibly sweet, silly, and tender connection with a gorgeous, smart, and fun friend since the summer. We lie in my bed cuddling while listening to Zoe Keating and watching TED Talks & YouTube videos of gorgeous scenes related to the biological sciences. Then we cook together, have engaging conversation that makes me think and laugh until I cannot breathe, and occasionally we go on adventures e.g. to the edge of the world. It feels easy and playful and makes my whole soul light up with happiness. Being with someone who adores me is profoundly healing for my heart, especially after The Year Of Betrayal And Devastation. It’s so simple and straightforward. I’m not being manipulated or lied to. We do what feels good to both of us and leave it at that. &The whole thing is permeated by playfulness and affection.

My dark night of the soul was precipitated by losing family, community, partners, and then the rest of my community. I have a handful of dear ones still on this island, but for the most part I am very much alone. Heart family visited for a few months, but I was in the midst of so much stress and heartache that I avoided them for most of their stay. While I enjoy my own company, Maui has really transformed me into an interdependent, social creature and this level of isolation doesn’t feel healthy, nor does it make me happy.

So… big changes are in the works for me. At the beginning of February, I will be moving back to the mainland. My dad said I shouldn’t come back to California because things are so devastated there, but I need to be closer to my family than this ocean between us. I’ll be staying in southern Washington about an hour outside of Portland until I find a job. I’ve been looking for work in Seattle, Eugene, Olympia, and Portland. I have an interview for a herd manager position at a goat dairy in Bend, and I feel really excited and confident about the possibilities. For the first time in my life, looking for work is exciting rather than terrifying. I am not at the mercy of the market: I have questions and requirements and dreams and I won’t settle for less than I deserve. Because a job may not open up immediately (though I will start visioning soon, and I am usually good at creating exactly the opportunities I want), I’m also exploring hella volunteer gigs. I’m googling all my major areas of interest/experience and identifying organizations that sound like a good fit. I need fulfilling work where I am liked and where my hard work and passion are appreciated. I am a loyal, intelligent, and hardworking employee who has vision and integrity and I need for that to be recognized and valued.

Fever or forgotten wings

Published on September 1, 2011 in lovin. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

Fast-track healing of my heart, which is still tender and tentative and newly open. Reading books again, real books, tomes of knowledge, and having epic nerdgasms about so many things. Laughter has infused my soul. My kitten is my best friend.

This is a photo of me being an evil mastermind. Mwahahahaha.

Taking/Making Stock

Published on July 24, 2011 in work/life. 0 Comments

I have been on vacation for the last couple of weeks. I’ve been going out and being social, putting energy into lesson plans for the fall and working on a friend’s website, dealing with bureaucracy, and doing art. I’m almost finished with my alpaca sweater (I still need to buy buttons before I can make the button band), but I plan to frog and re-knit plain sleeves. I think the cable pattern I used initially will be too hot for Maui. I registered for fall classes: financial management and program evaluation.

Two days ago, I made chicken stock and then soup with some chicken carcasses I had stashed in the freezer. It’s yum with ginger, parsley, strong celery tones, carrots, cabbage, and quinoa.

DIY hair Despite all of this positive movement in my life, I still feel depleted and overwhelmed. I think that, much as I want it to be, my dark night isn’t over…I still crave being in the cave. The last year has brought such devastation to almost every aspect of my life here. I’m fine, but I can tell that part of me is still reeling. Especially my mom’s passing has made me take inventory of my life.

I gave myself a haircut the other night, which felt like a release. I took off eight inches in some places: made the sides short and layered and left the back long. My hair felt limp and stagnant and needed to be infused with a sense of movement. The photo to the right shows my DIY hair.

Movement is the cure for stagnation, but stillness brings clarity.

Gluten-free roux

Published on July 11, 2011 in recipes. 0 Comments Tags: .

A couple of months ago, I set myself a mission to eat out of the pantry/freezer rather than continuing to buy food for meals. This was motivated partly because I was craving fresh foods and getting tired of eating everything reheated in the microwave & partly because I didn’t want to keep buying more food when I had a well-stocked freezer and pantry.

That project petered out about six weeks ago when I’d eaten everything in the house except for e.g. pizza crust and all the other baked goods I can make with my basket of flours. Since then, I’ve been eating lots of salads and small-batch meals that last a few days in the refrigerator.

However, as is the case with chronic conditions, I’ve been feeling under the weather lately and haven’t had the energy to keep up this routine. My mission is now to stock up the freezer (moderately) so I still have access to food during those times when even making a salad requires more energy than I have.

To these ends, I intend to make:

(1) Gluten-free pesto pizza with mushrooms, zucchini, and red onion
(2) White chicken chili
(3) My grandma’s chicken andouille gumbo

It is about the latter that I have decided to write this post.

In my opinion, the basis of good gumbo is a good roux. Roux is flour browned in oil, typically at a 1:1 ratio. It’s used as a thickener, but also (more importantly) adds a certain richness and density of flavor. In my family, we brown the roux until it is the color of an old penny, which has a very strong taste, but everyone has their own preference.

I used white rice flour and sunflower oil. I read some different articles about making a gluten-free roux. Everything-free Eating suggested that gluten-free flours would be completely burned by the time they reached that dark, delicious color. I don’t know about that: I’ll need to experiment. However, I definitely made a much lighter roux than my usual for this first try.

What I didn’t take into consideration is the fact that gluten-free flours have different densities than wheat flour and measurements by weight are more accurate when swapping out flours. I used the normal 1/4 cup flour to 1/4 cup oil and ended up with more oil than I would prefer, so I think I’ll try maybe 1/8 cup oil next time.

But, all in all, I’m very happy with the result! I was worried that the flavor wouldn’t come out right and, sure, I will probably try making it a little bit darker next time so it has a richer flavor. But it does taste layered and yummy like the gumbo I grew up on!