sometimes i feel so alive it just about breaks my heart

I woke up to the yummiest cuddles ever, and I get to do so every day.

I had delicious food last night and do every night.

My life is nourishing and peaceful.

* Noel gave me a spring roll to taste-test. Yum! I want to make some!!

* I figured out how to go back to school without leaving Maui!

* Andrea made me a sandwich, so I got food in my belly the moment I was done with work. It was a delicious grilled cheese sandwich made toasty with olive oil and had some tomato and spinach (?) in it. Yummmm.

* My heart felt a little less heavy after scrubbing the floor for an hour.

Life is really kicking my butt right now, so I’ve decided to start keeping a journal of things I’m grateful for and little joyful moments and things that really uplift my heart. I used to write these on post-it notes and put them in a special box I kept near my bed. The habits that help us through the hard times fade too easily when things are fun. I’m too exhausted to hand-write my journal for tonight, so here it is:

* Last week, I found the sweetest praying mantis. I had just found an egg case a few days before, and have been seeing little babies here and there for weeks. This one was dark green, extremely energetic, and clearly pregnant. She scrambled up my arm to the nape of my neck and into my hair….so fiesty! Her little barbs tickled, but she didn’t scare me. It made me really happy to see her. I took some photos and then let her go in the rosemary patch. She wasn’t very social–probably needed to make her egg case right away–but she brought sweet energy into my life.

* I am really grateful for my sweet friends who snuggle me and pet me and are so nice to me.

I wake up every morning feeling so grateful.

Grateful that I get to sleep as late as I do (5 am!), grateful for the softness of my blankets, grateful for the good smells and the wind and the maaah-ing of little kids next door. I’m so grateful that I am here, in Maui, where I can actually breathe and be alive. The sky is so fucking beautiful–every moment of every day–and I am surrounded by good people and peace. I am so grateful that I work on a farm where words like “organic,” “free-range,” and “humane” are not abstract concepts, but the natural byproduct of the love we have for our animals. I love the way Spinstuwhol, who is alpha, stops to rub her head on my belly every time I’m herding. We stand there, me scratching her nose and neck, her big brown eyes gazing up at me, as the rest of the goats move quietly past us, and I remember to that everything is okay.

I am grateful that I continually move into the flow of life, where everything that needs to happen is allowed to happen with ease and grace. I could think hard, weigh the pros and cons, worry, and really work to make a decision and make something happen. Instead, I dream my desires, say what I want, and make myself open to what wants to happen. Invariably, it is perfect–the timing, the details, all of it. I bought a car on Wednesday and I can’t enumerate all of the ways the process was magical.

My life is full of magic. It’s not so much the facts of my life that are magic, but how I choose to look at them. I am such a gift to myself when I keep a soft attitude.

I don’t usually post my horoscope (or read it, for that matter), but this one is particular apt at the moment.

The Swiss are building a 35-mile railroad tunnel through the Alps. It’ll take another nine years to finish carving out the path through the mountain, and will ultimately require the removal of 24 million tons of rock. I suggest you regard this masterpiece, the Gotthard Base Tunnel, as an inspirational symbol. The coming months will be prime time for you summon the willpower necessary to get really serious about an equally ambitious project (Free Will Astrology).

That’s the kind of steadfastness I need for this life: tremendous patience and a willingness to wait a long time until the outcome is recognizable.  I’m already living it, or trying.

I wish we could skip right past the virgin birth nonsense and fast-forward to Spring, when the most important birth of my life will be occurring (assuming I can make it to the holy event): the birth of a sweet foal. A dear friend in Huelo lives next door to a pregnant mare who is due in March. I fully intend to lurk outside the pasture for the entire month (or I could ask the mare’s owner to give me a call when she goes into labor). If I’m lucky, maybe I’ll get to be covered in horse placenta and see the wet, scraggly creature’s first, unsteady steps.

This mare has the same human mom as our horses. She told me stories of how Magnum could hop over a five-foot fence from a stand-still when he was a yearling, and how she slept in the pasture with Kenya when she was getting weaned. My horses are precious now: imagine how much more precious they were when they were babies!!

Of course, if I get a job at the goat dairy this week, maybe I’ll be birthing baby goats before Spring. It’s kidding season as we speak and apparently they are up to their necks in bottle-fed baby goats. My dream come true! What’s awesome about baby goats is the way they don’t actually walk at first, they hop everywhere.

Hop, hop, hop!

It’s okay to come in here.

This skin is soft and warm,
these bones are strong,
this heart beats every day,
unflinchingly.

Kiss.
Love.
Sleep.
Sit.
Move.

Call out into the universe the desires of your warm body.
Let yourself ache with delicious anticipation.
Live in the moment.

Be real. At least be real with yourself.
Allow everything to move freely in and out of you.
Trust others to communicate.
Don’t take up burdens.

Be as patient with yourself as you would be with your dearest lover.
Adore yourself.
Unlock the tight spaces in your heart.

Breathe into yourself.
Breathe into life.
Breathe life into yourself.
Breathe yourself into life.

One of my favorite things on this earth (aside from being kissed and stroked by three lovers at once) is when there are no clouds and the full moon is bright as daylight illuminating & casting shadows. On those nights, I stand outside naked & walk to my house without needing a flashlight. It is exhilarating.

Just wanting what I wanted took an act of will, but then I got up the courage to ask for what I wanted and the answer came back within hours, “Yes, a thousand times yes.” And so begins this period of my life with/of yes. It used to be that two weeks seemed like too long to be away from my Bay Area life, but now two years seems like hardly enough time. And it expands all around me.